There must have been something in my eyes...

It started out like any normal day. My alarm clock (AKA Kristi) went off at 5:00 AM. I arose tired once more with a bad case of the Mondays. The sounds of the bottomless pit known as Grayson's stomach could be heard from down the hall, wailing to be satisfied with the greatness of milk and waffles. Man that kid can eat! After getting myself ready I moved into Abi's room, as I had many times before. Kristi apparently had already made an unsuccessful attempt at waking Sleeping Beauty from her comatose dream land of rainbows and unicorns. As Abi arose, also apparently with a bad case of the Mondays, we cordially smiled and shared a hug both likely wondering, "Why can't we just sleep in and survive off of being awesome." Unfortunately, awesomeness neither contributes to society nor keeps the electricity on. As we drug ourselves down the hall to the kitchen we both knew that this was no ordinary day. Today was just a little different. Today was Abi's first day of kindergarten.

In all honesty I knew that today was different and I was excited and proud of my little girl who was now going to "big school." However, I had already made it through Kindergarten Roundup and Meet the Teacher night with little more than the slight feeling of satisfaction that I had managed to keep my Sweets alive for the past five years (more than I can say for my vegetable garden) and, in all candor, happiness that I no longer had to pay for day care. Surely today's event would not be much different than those things. I would keep my composure with relative ease being the strong rock for my nervous little girl and my heartbroken wife to lean on.

So after breakfast we took off with one last request from mommy; to take lots of pictures since she would have to be in her room greeting her 3rd graders. Our ride to school was uneventful as we discussed why the Jonas Brothers sound like they're crying when they sing and why Hannah Montana is not always the best role model. (We're more of an ICarly household) Again, still just another normal day with a little excitement about school. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen.

We rolled up to the rapidly filling parking lot of James and Margie Marion Elementary. I went to open Abi's door and as she stepped out of the car with book bag in hand my heart skipped a beat. Thinking it was just nostalgia or maybe the coffee I had just guzzled I gathered myself and moved on to the front of the school to take pictures. There we sat eagerly waiting for the front doors to open. I was still okay, still proud, still happy, but still thinking this was somewhat a normal day. The doors opened and the mob of parents and kids shuffled in. We quickly made a detour to go give mommy a hug and a first day of school Starbucks surprise. Finally, camera in hand we moved on through the halls with flashes going off everywhere as if the kids were celebrities being chased by paparazzi. As we moved closer to the beehive themed entrance of Ms. Hall's door that skipping heartbeat thing started again. Only this time it didn't stop. With slightly shaking hands I took one more shot with Abi at the door. Then it happened. I can only describe the physical feeling as the same feeling I felt when a 300lb+ lineman named Dustin Holmes laid me out in high school two-a-days. My breath was literally taken from me. In a matter of nanoseconds the past five years flashed through my mind and something must have flown into my eyes as they started to water just a bit.

Okay so I lie, I was crying like two year old girl. All the while this strong rock's heart broken wife was 100yds away in her own classroom unable to console me. In addition my "nervous little girl" was standing in the doorway now, arms folded, saying, "Daddy, hurry up with the picture, I need to go sit down." I walked her to her chair and gave her one last hug that very likely cracked a rib or two. Unlike last week's introductory events, she would stay and I would leave with nothing more than a long car ride to work to calm down.

I used to think that my mission as a parent was to ultimately guide my children to be mature enough to leave our home. Today I feel like I need my children to guide me to a place where I can bear to let them go.

Sweets, Daddy loves you immensely. I am so proud of who you are and who your are going to be. Never lose your innocence. Never lose your creativity. Go take the world by storm and show them all that God has created you to be. Remember to do as I say and not as I do and never think of any day as just ordinary.

Eating Sand

This past week a friend of mine sent me an email containing a letter written by a woman who clearly was battling with what she believed and he was asking for thoughts from the recipients. With the article my friend posed the following questions.

• Is my faith an everlasting attitude of love and grace, or an attitude of convenience and necessity?
• Do we all to often put our hope in earthly material or a higher existence that we can't understand?

These questions and a rough few weeks of my own life circumstances have been plauging my thoughts constantly over the past few days. I am about six months away from being 30 years old and I feel as though I am having a mental breakdown or a mid life crisis of some kind. Oddly enough I know as a fact that I am not the only one experiencing this as I have had conversations initiated by three different friends over the past two weeks who have shared similar struggles and have been questioning where our faith and life actions are leading us? Please read on if you desire to hear and maybe help the scrambled thoughts that have been floating through my head as to how this life seems to have taken a wrong turn.

I don't pretend for a moment that I can understand faith or that I am actively exercising my own in the way God intended. But in answer to my friend's questions I would have to say that our faith is an attitude of convenience and necessity with our hope placed in earthly material. Keep in mind that I answer these questions on a corporate level while understanding that there are many individual believers out there who absolutely have everlasting attitudes of love and grace. But, according to the examples seen in Hebrews 11 and James 2:14-26 faith is accompanied by action and I simply don't see a lot of action in my life or the lives of many around me.

The guys mentioned in Hebrews 11 made big, bold moves. Abraham had the faith to offer his son, whom he had longed for years for, as a sacrifice. Noah had to have been considered the town drunk when by faith he constructed the first cruise ship in his backyard with no rain in sight. What I find interesting is that if you just read Hebrews 11 you would think that God said jump and they immediately responded, "How high?" When you get into their stories, though, you will find that they, just like most of us, had incredible fears, doubts and slip ups along the way. The difference between us and them is that they stepped out in the midst of fear and doubt.

When is the last time that you made a big and bold step? I think most of us are unwilling to give up this life to make big steps of faith and sacrifice now. Trust me, I am not condemning here. I had a heaping taco salad tonight (more food than I needed to eat). I then tucked my children into their separate beds in their separate bedrooms. After writing this I will likely spend a good chunk of my night watching a few hours of prerecorded shows on my DVR and then retire to my bed with the ceiling fan on and my thermostat set comfortably at about 78. Then in the morning I will go off to the job that I am miserable at to make good money that is supposed to be helping to pay of the debt that we incurred 7 years ago when we were buying countless things that we apparently desperately needed to fill the tables of garage sales later. This is the same debt, by the way, that has kept us from doing the very thing we know God has laid on our hearts; that being going to Asia to share his love. What's really sad, but honest, is that shortly after posting this I will day dream about the 42" 1080p we may be getting ourselves for Christmas, which ironically is the holiday celebrating the coming of Jesus, whom I "follow." Meanwhile, although we joke, people all over the world will really go hungry tonight because I felt it was more import to "nacho size" and spend a night in my comfortable home instead of doing something so simple as buying a can of green peas for a local food shelter or turning my thermostat down so I could save a little money to send to people who may actually be suffering. But, I rationalize that I am not so bad. I am not exactly living in the lap of luxury. I just get by with basic "necessities" and a few perks. I deserve it right? What are your "necessities?"

So why do we do this? Why don't we trust that we are not going to miss out on the glories of this world? Why don't we trust that God has something better for us? I believe that I don't put my faith into action, because in utter transparency, it's not important enough to me right now. Eternity is too far away.

This past week in our Life Group (aka ABF, Small Group, Sunday School) we talked about heaven. Ashamedly, it was the first time that I have given more than a glance to the book of Revelation and the promises of heaven. As I looked through Chapter 21 and on into 22 I found that I act out my faith the way I do because I can't comprehend either the physical aspect or the experience of heaven. I truly not excited enough to sacrifice my life because I can't imagine being so impressed by such a place as heaven or by such a being as God to do so. (Follow the rest of my thoughts, I am not saying God doesn't impress me.) While I have a few general examples to form my frame of reference, I still don't know what it will be like to experience and understand the world, the way God intended. I am not sure what no pain and no sadness will feel like, because even on my best of days here, usually something bad happens. I really have no frame of reference to try to understand what it will be like to stand face to face with perfection and complete love and grace. It is inconceivable. Borrowing and personalizing an example I have heard from a close friend, I liken this to Grayson repeatedly stuffing handfuls of sand in his mouth at the beach during our vacation. He settled and at times thoroughly enjoyed the taste of sand because he has never experienced the all you can eat goodness of Texas de Brazil. How can I be really excited about something I can't really comprehend?

"We do not yearn to be near God because we do not find sin utterly repugnant or goodness rapturously attractive."

Kenneth Kantzer

I read this last week and I think it may sum up better than anything where I am at.

So here I am repeating to myself, "Get off your butt, make a sacrifice, take a chance on what God is nudging you to do. He has a better life for you." Meanwhile, as I stand saying this to myself my actions show that I have another handful of sand ready to shovel into my cake hole. If you can understand or comprehend any of my babblings I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's sharpen one another so that maybe we can move from sand to maybe a bag of Funyun's and on to the great promised Brazilian Churascaria in the sky.

White Trash Water Park

                                                                      

Who says the economy is down?  Kristi and I have been fortunate enough this year to purchase our own waterpark that is now open to the public.  It is complete with a state of the art water slide.                                                                                                                     

For those who are less active we have a relaxing wading pool.  

                                                                                        

The kids also love our spray park!!!

And for your relaxation pleasure you may lounge at our covered cabana area.

Later this summer, if business goes well, we will be adding a nightly laser light show.

                                                                             

  

Sporks and Swim Trunks

As occasionally happens, Kristi and I embarked into a deep, moving and intellectual conversation Sunday while driving to the far away land of Azle.  Now, for those of you with weaker minds, you may want to sit down and prepare yourself, because I am about to drop some serious knowledge on you.  

Between a riveting discussion on the theory of relativity and musing over the cure for world hunger we asked ourselves , “What is the most under appreciated invention of all time?”  Now to understand to complexities of our conversation you must know there were qualifiers for this ever so important topic.  First, the invention could not be anything that the general public would consider a major invention, i.e. the automobile.  Second, the invention had to be timeless, a tool that has or could be relevant for centuries.  Finally, the invention must be used by enough people to be considered something the average person would know about.

Now several inventions met our strict qualifications such as, velcro, fried pickles, bendy straws, and boxer briefs (an invention to be forever more known as banana beds, free and breezy like a hammock with surface area and comfort of a bed).  However after heated debate the spork won out as the most under used and under appreciated invention to ever be conceived.  

The spork may seriously be one of man’s greatest accomplishments, yet so few people actually use one.  Think of the convenience, one utensil serving two purposes.  You can scoop and stab all in the same motion cutting down on eating time so that you can use your precious hours more wisely, like publishing a blog.  Not to mention the spork was a pioneer being “green” before “green” was trendy.  How, you ask?  First the production of the spork uses far less valuable earthly resources such as rare metals like aluminum and stuff.  Secondly, why waste time and water washing a spoon and a fork separately, when you could wash a spork and be done with it?  

Now, naturally we could not end our conversation there.  We also had to conclude, “What is the most useless and over used invention of all time?”

This conversation was short, as I, in my infinite wisdom, had already spent countless hours pondering this ever so important question, coming to the conclusion that swim trunk webbing is the most useless waste ever created.

This topic is a sore point for me.  I often am thrown out of fine retail establishments for entertaining the question, “Why must I pay for this useless piece of fabric inside my shorts?”  If I wanted to wear mesh underwear I would buy mesh underwear.  That stuff is scratchy, unsupportive and hello, have you ever seen someone going commando in white swim trunks with mesh in them.  People don’t want to see my junk and I surely don’t want to see theirs.  That brings up a whole other dilemma, too.  Do you wear underwear when that stuff is sewn into your shorts?  Do you wear underwear swimming at all?  Who knows, the little mesh flap has confused us all.

While I understand this conversation may be to erudite for many of you I pray that you at the very least heed our superior intellect by switching to sporks and mesh-less shorts.  Stay enlightened, my friends.

My God, my God, Why have you forsaken me?

Occasionally I get caught up in the repetitive motion of just doing the things I know I should be doing to get by and so very often leave behind great life lessons in the process.  Today was almost one of those days.

I so often look into the word of God expecting some miraculous truth to come shining out at me that will perfectly fit into my life right now.  Unfortunately, more often than not, I come away just learning some good life lesson that five minutes later I forget, because it does not immediately apply to my life, or so I think.  This morning was one of those times as I read Mark 15:33-40 about the last moments of Jesus' death when he cried, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"  Initially, I read this and just glanced over it, as it is something I have read before.  Then I was given some questions that really made me think.  

How did Jesus respond in this moment?  I have always thought it was odd how he responded as even though I know who Jesus was 100% God and 100% man, a concept I can't quite wrap my mind around, I tend to think of him more in the God sense.  With that I forget the separation that he must have felt from God at that time as he took on my sin.  Then I read this.

We can imagine what it would mean to a righteous man to feel that he was forsaken of God. But the more we feel and enjoy the love of another, the greater our sense of loss at being deprived of it. Considering, therefore, the near and dear relationship between the Son and Father, it is evident that we can never know or fathom the depth of anguish which this cry expressed. Suffice it to say, that this was without doubt the most excruciating of all Christ's sufferings, and it, too, was a suffering in our stead.  

Jesus at this time did not just feel the hurt of separation from a loved one, like I do when for instance when I am in an argument with a friend or relative. He felt a pain that I will never know.  He was the only true sinless one who for the first time in his approximate 33 years had been separated from the most initmate relationship that there has ever been.  And how did he respond?  He quoted scripture. (Psalms 22:1)  

So how do I respond when I feel like God has forsaken me?  First, I will never know the pain Jesus felt that day since I have racked up a more than fair share of sin.  However, I do experience many times in my life when I just don't feel I was given a fair shake, or don't feel that I was handed as easy a life as some others.  In those times I, more often than not react with more sin.  

Beyond the fact that I believe most of our hard times are simply a result of our own idiocracy, God has never forsaken me.  However, times have come and will come when we all feel like God has left us.  Even more in those times must we lean on the tremendous sacrifice that Jesus made for us and realize that he is the only one who ever felt truly forsaken. 

We've all got something to say...

I have been fighting the urge to enter the world of blogging for sometime and have finally succumb to the temptations to let the whole world (or at least the 2 people who give rip) know what I have to say.

To be honest I have resisted this blogging movement, partly because by natural process I am getting older and less technologically relevant and partly because I have always looked at blogging as our virtual fifty foot neon sign flashing, “HEY LOOK AT ME, I’M IMPORTANT!!!” I already struggle a bit with humility; balancing the fine line of leading by example and drawing attention to my every action and deed. However, as I have began to read the blogs of the people I thought I knew, I have found that there is so much I tend to miss. Am I not listening to true life of those who surround me, or are they not talking? I have a feeling it is a little bit of both.

At the risk of sounding much older than I am, there was a time, even in my generation, when the world seemed a lot smaller and more intimate. A time when our circle of influence may have consisted of a total of 40 to 50 people of whom only a few we honestly shared life with. Maybe this was just my experience in the booming metropolis of Azle, TX. Actually, I can’t even claim that. I lived in Briar. My world consisted of the neighbor across the field and pet cow named Buttercup, who ultimately ended up as a steak.

Anyways, my point is that now I may come into physical contact with 40 to 50 people a day. Outside of that I have 150 or so “friends” on Facebook ranging from family to people I knew high school, to people I knew in college, to people I work with, to people I don’t really know, but I thought it would be rude to reject their invite. And each of them have 100 to 500 “friends” their connected to. I find myself now with an infinite number of “friends” and yet somehow have very few friendships.

The problem is that I have built most of these friendships upon the occasional polite smile and nod (since nodding is more manly than waving), and the ever so popular status post, telling everyone in two sentences or less what just happened in the last five minutes and which Office cast member I am most like. (By the way, I am Jim, but aren’t we all?) All this time I have a new, true, friend who just experienced an unspeakable tragedy in his life and because I have become so inept at communication, all I have to offer is, “How are things going?” Luckily, he was honest enough to say, “Horrible.”

With all that said, I know that I can't replace human contact with the posting of my deep thoughts on the internet, but I have gotten to know a few people much better lately by just taking some time to read theirs. With any luck this blog will help stir up some conversation in real life situations and since we all seem to be a little more open and a little deeper when we put things down in written word, I hope we can begin to really share life with each other.