There must have been something in my eyes...

It started out like any normal day. My alarm clock (AKA Kristi) went off at 5:00 AM. I arose tired once more with a bad case of the Mondays. The sounds of the bottomless pit known as Grayson's stomach could be heard from down the hall, wailing to be satisfied with the greatness of milk and waffles. Man that kid can eat! After getting myself ready I moved into Abi's room, as I had many times before. Kristi apparently had already made an unsuccessful attempt at waking Sleeping Beauty from her comatose dream land of rainbows and unicorns. As Abi arose, also apparently with a bad case of the Mondays, we cordially smiled and shared a hug both likely wondering, "Why can't we just sleep in and survive off of being awesome." Unfortunately, awesomeness neither contributes to society nor keeps the electricity on. As we drug ourselves down the hall to the kitchen we both knew that this was no ordinary day. Today was just a little different. Today was Abi's first day of kindergarten.

In all honesty I knew that today was different and I was excited and proud of my little girl who was now going to "big school." However, I had already made it through Kindergarten Roundup and Meet the Teacher night with little more than the slight feeling of satisfaction that I had managed to keep my Sweets alive for the past five years (more than I can say for my vegetable garden) and, in all candor, happiness that I no longer had to pay for day care. Surely today's event would not be much different than those things. I would keep my composure with relative ease being the strong rock for my nervous little girl and my heartbroken wife to lean on.

So after breakfast we took off with one last request from mommy; to take lots of pictures since she would have to be in her room greeting her 3rd graders. Our ride to school was uneventful as we discussed why the Jonas Brothers sound like they're crying when they sing and why Hannah Montana is not always the best role model. (We're more of an ICarly household) Again, still just another normal day with a little excitement about school. Nothing could have prepared me for what was about to happen.

We rolled up to the rapidly filling parking lot of James and Margie Marion Elementary. I went to open Abi's door and as she stepped out of the car with book bag in hand my heart skipped a beat. Thinking it was just nostalgia or maybe the coffee I had just guzzled I gathered myself and moved on to the front of the school to take pictures. There we sat eagerly waiting for the front doors to open. I was still okay, still proud, still happy, but still thinking this was somewhat a normal day. The doors opened and the mob of parents and kids shuffled in. We quickly made a detour to go give mommy a hug and a first day of school Starbucks surprise. Finally, camera in hand we moved on through the halls with flashes going off everywhere as if the kids were celebrities being chased by paparazzi. As we moved closer to the beehive themed entrance of Ms. Hall's door that skipping heartbeat thing started again. Only this time it didn't stop. With slightly shaking hands I took one more shot with Abi at the door. Then it happened. I can only describe the physical feeling as the same feeling I felt when a 300lb+ lineman named Dustin Holmes laid me out in high school two-a-days. My breath was literally taken from me. In a matter of nanoseconds the past five years flashed through my mind and something must have flown into my eyes as they started to water just a bit.

Okay so I lie, I was crying like two year old girl. All the while this strong rock's heart broken wife was 100yds away in her own classroom unable to console me. In addition my "nervous little girl" was standing in the doorway now, arms folded, saying, "Daddy, hurry up with the picture, I need to go sit down." I walked her to her chair and gave her one last hug that very likely cracked a rib or two. Unlike last week's introductory events, she would stay and I would leave with nothing more than a long car ride to work to calm down.

I used to think that my mission as a parent was to ultimately guide my children to be mature enough to leave our home. Today I feel like I need my children to guide me to a place where I can bear to let them go.

Sweets, Daddy loves you immensely. I am so proud of who you are and who your are going to be. Never lose your innocence. Never lose your creativity. Go take the world by storm and show them all that God has created you to be. Remember to do as I say and not as I do and never think of any day as just ordinary.

Eating Sand

This past week a friend of mine sent me an email containing a letter written by a woman who clearly was battling with what she believed and he was asking for thoughts from the recipients. With the article my friend posed the following questions.

• Is my faith an everlasting attitude of love and grace, or an attitude of convenience and necessity?
• Do we all to often put our hope in earthly material or a higher existence that we can't understand?

These questions and a rough few weeks of my own life circumstances have been plauging my thoughts constantly over the past few days. I am about six months away from being 30 years old and I feel as though I am having a mental breakdown or a mid life crisis of some kind. Oddly enough I know as a fact that I am not the only one experiencing this as I have had conversations initiated by three different friends over the past two weeks who have shared similar struggles and have been questioning where our faith and life actions are leading us? Please read on if you desire to hear and maybe help the scrambled thoughts that have been floating through my head as to how this life seems to have taken a wrong turn.

I don't pretend for a moment that I can understand faith or that I am actively exercising my own in the way God intended. But in answer to my friend's questions I would have to say that our faith is an attitude of convenience and necessity with our hope placed in earthly material. Keep in mind that I answer these questions on a corporate level while understanding that there are many individual believers out there who absolutely have everlasting attitudes of love and grace. But, according to the examples seen in Hebrews 11 and James 2:14-26 faith is accompanied by action and I simply don't see a lot of action in my life or the lives of many around me.

The guys mentioned in Hebrews 11 made big, bold moves. Abraham had the faith to offer his son, whom he had longed for years for, as a sacrifice. Noah had to have been considered the town drunk when by faith he constructed the first cruise ship in his backyard with no rain in sight. What I find interesting is that if you just read Hebrews 11 you would think that God said jump and they immediately responded, "How high?" When you get into their stories, though, you will find that they, just like most of us, had incredible fears, doubts and slip ups along the way. The difference between us and them is that they stepped out in the midst of fear and doubt.

When is the last time that you made a big and bold step? I think most of us are unwilling to give up this life to make big steps of faith and sacrifice now. Trust me, I am not condemning here. I had a heaping taco salad tonight (more food than I needed to eat). I then tucked my children into their separate beds in their separate bedrooms. After writing this I will likely spend a good chunk of my night watching a few hours of prerecorded shows on my DVR and then retire to my bed with the ceiling fan on and my thermostat set comfortably at about 78. Then in the morning I will go off to the job that I am miserable at to make good money that is supposed to be helping to pay of the debt that we incurred 7 years ago when we were buying countless things that we apparently desperately needed to fill the tables of garage sales later. This is the same debt, by the way, that has kept us from doing the very thing we know God has laid on our hearts; that being going to Asia to share his love. What's really sad, but honest, is that shortly after posting this I will day dream about the 42" 1080p we may be getting ourselves for Christmas, which ironically is the holiday celebrating the coming of Jesus, whom I "follow." Meanwhile, although we joke, people all over the world will really go hungry tonight because I felt it was more import to "nacho size" and spend a night in my comfortable home instead of doing something so simple as buying a can of green peas for a local food shelter or turning my thermostat down so I could save a little money to send to people who may actually be suffering. But, I rationalize that I am not so bad. I am not exactly living in the lap of luxury. I just get by with basic "necessities" and a few perks. I deserve it right? What are your "necessities?"

So why do we do this? Why don't we trust that we are not going to miss out on the glories of this world? Why don't we trust that God has something better for us? I believe that I don't put my faith into action, because in utter transparency, it's not important enough to me right now. Eternity is too far away.

This past week in our Life Group (aka ABF, Small Group, Sunday School) we talked about heaven. Ashamedly, it was the first time that I have given more than a glance to the book of Revelation and the promises of heaven. As I looked through Chapter 21 and on into 22 I found that I act out my faith the way I do because I can't comprehend either the physical aspect or the experience of heaven. I truly not excited enough to sacrifice my life because I can't imagine being so impressed by such a place as heaven or by such a being as God to do so. (Follow the rest of my thoughts, I am not saying God doesn't impress me.) While I have a few general examples to form my frame of reference, I still don't know what it will be like to experience and understand the world, the way God intended. I am not sure what no pain and no sadness will feel like, because even on my best of days here, usually something bad happens. I really have no frame of reference to try to understand what it will be like to stand face to face with perfection and complete love and grace. It is inconceivable. Borrowing and personalizing an example I have heard from a close friend, I liken this to Grayson repeatedly stuffing handfuls of sand in his mouth at the beach during our vacation. He settled and at times thoroughly enjoyed the taste of sand because he has never experienced the all you can eat goodness of Texas de Brazil. How can I be really excited about something I can't really comprehend?

"We do not yearn to be near God because we do not find sin utterly repugnant or goodness rapturously attractive."

Kenneth Kantzer

I read this last week and I think it may sum up better than anything where I am at.

So here I am repeating to myself, "Get off your butt, make a sacrifice, take a chance on what God is nudging you to do. He has a better life for you." Meanwhile, as I stand saying this to myself my actions show that I have another handful of sand ready to shovel into my cake hole. If you can understand or comprehend any of my babblings I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's sharpen one another so that maybe we can move from sand to maybe a bag of Funyun's and on to the great promised Brazilian Churascaria in the sky.